What it is like to grieve the loss of a family member that never chose you…

My older brother is dying.  Literally, he has been put in hospice due to medical complications and has maybe a week or two left.

And before anyone tilts their head or starts to feel sad for me, let me elaborate and give some context to why I am going through this shitstorm of emotion, between angry and sad and all in between.

Decades ago, after finding out about our biological father, I fell down a rabbit hole to find my siblings (an older brother and younger sister) and was successful in this mission.  But I remember the whole time I was on this chase, I created a multitude of stories (just like I had with our father, of how great our relationship was going to be and the memories we would make) despite who our father was. 

None of that ever happened, though.

My older brother would draw you in and then push you away.

In his young life of 55 years, he has fathered multiple children with many different women, not being present for any of them— emotionally nor physically. The damage he has caused is likely still unfolding.

My sister and I are among his victims; not only was he absent from our lives, but we also witnessed the pain of the women and children reaching out for help, and we would help when we could. For the past three decades, my sister and I have endured a tumultuous relationship with him amid the emotional destruction he has inflicted.

The most surprising thing is that he never knew our father, yet he is a perfect copy of him - thinking only of himself, lacking emotional accountability, and destroying anyone who comes near him.

It's sad, you know. I often think about who he could have become if he had confronted the emotional demons our father left us with. If he had embraced those challenges, he could have been an amazing dad and a supportive brother. But he never did.

I feel both sad and angry about what so many children and women are left to endure, and the stories they have now that are left unfulfilled. I empathize with my sister and myself in this situation; I believe we both wanted the same thing—an older brother who shared the same painful legacy that our father gave us, someone who could help us sort the craziness of our reality out, etc. Unfortunately, that never happened for any of us.

I know that I am not alone in this experience – losing someone who never chose you.  And just like with everything else, I would say – ‘ok, where can we harvest the good here?’

1.      Damn, is it me? 

As someone who professionally studies behavior, I understand cognitively that the situation and our relationship is an issue he’d created, and not anything I could have changed. In other words, the truth is that people often project their own problems onto the world and in their relationships; it really isn’t about you, even when it hurts deeply.

2.      ‘Be the person who breaks the cycle’

This is an ideal time to learn about breaking cycles – my biggest hope is that his children will be intentional about creating change and forging connection within their own families. 

3.      ‘Choose you, but in a healthy and positive way’

I will never forget the phrase, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." People reveal their true selves when you stop trying to shape them into something they are not. The reality is that givers don’t have boundaries, and neither do takers. Choose wisely—always prioritize yourself and your peace. The love you will discover as a result of that choice will be well worth it, I promise.

Be well friends! If this resonates with you, let me know and reach out if need be.

Cristina ,